You'll never fucking believe this

One day, God was sitting in Heaven thinking about embarrassing menstrual stories. He thought it'd be funny for a person to have the absolute WORST luck ever when it came to periods. God then decided to make a girl and put her in the most embarrassing situations involving menstruation. That's when God decided to make me.

When I was ten, I was really excited to get my period. I really wanted to be one of the "grown ups". I was excited because I was totally oblivious to the sucky horror of a menstrual cycle.

Finally, I got my period when I was ten. I felt sick and bloated that day but I went to school anyways. So I'm sitting on the floor after school with my friend playing monopoly or whatever and I felt this...strange feeling. Ladies you know the feeling, guys...just try to imagine...if your stomach is strong enough.

"Are you okay?" he said
"Huh? Yeah. I'm gonna go to the bathroom, I think I'm going to throw up."
I came back later and said this: "I'm dying."
"What?"
"I'm bleeding, and I'm gonna bleed to death."
"Where are you bleeding?"
"My pants!"
He looked at me very seriously and said, "Uh. I think you need a tampon."
*This is the shortened version of the story. The longer version is too painful to write.
After getting my first period, I decided I didn't want them any more and I BEGGED my mom to take me to the hospital and have them make it stop. Unfortunately, that didn't happen.

About a year and a half after this something crappy happened.
I got my period while I was at my granparents house in wisconsin.
I had a few pads in my back pack but not enough. I decided to wear the heaviest one for the first three days, and the lightest one the fourth and fifth day.
Then I realized there was a problem. My grandfather(Grandma's boyfriend) was a man so there was no trash can by the toilet and my grandmother was in her seventies so obviously, she had no pads.
*Stop reading here if you have a weak stomach.
So with no trash can, I put the dirty pads back in my backpack. GUYS, if you're man enough to still be reading this, period blood is different than normal blood. It's not like the blood you get from a bloody nose or a scrape. Not only is the consistency different, it has a VERY distinct smell (Edward from "Twilight" knows this.). I would not advise you to put used panty liners in your backpack and keep them there for a month, because that's disgusting. But when I was eleven, I didn't care and by then I thought my period was the worst thing that had happened to me, also, the most embarrassing. When I got home from my two weeks in Wisconsin, I was ready to throw the pads in the trash. I threw them in the garbage can outside, but I had opened my back pack in the bathroom. I'd rather leave the details out from here, but my whole bathroom smelt like a bloody vagina and I had to throw my back pack away when my mom wasn't looking. The worst part of this is, that's not even the most embarrassing/disgusting story.


When I was in South Dakota on a family reunion a year later, I had my monthly gift from aunt flow. SO being the smart little daughter of a whore that I was I learned how to make a pad out of toilet paper and a hair tie. The only catch: YOU CAN NOT play sports or wear a skirt. If you play sports with the "Hair tie panty liner" it will fall out. If you wear a skirt with the hair tie panty liner, it can fall out...and that's embarrassing.


The first day of school when I moved to Utah, I got my period...
Good thing I had already invented the hair tie panty liner.


One day I decided to clean out my backpack when I did, I took out ALL of my tampons. So I'm sitting in science class and I get that feeling and I'm like "OH SHIT." Of course, the guy I'm sitting next to is insanely cute I never had a crush on him, he just happened to be REALLY cute. Oh and if you're reading this, yeah, I was checking you out.  ANYWAYS I didn't have a pad or a tampon): so I went through the next two periods trying to keep from bleeding everywhere on everything. I was considering asking my friend Andrea for a pad or tampon but she was in my fifth period class and we weren't exactly friends we had just talked a few times. Finally, when I get through english class I get up to leave and THERE'S BLOOD ON MY CHAIR.
So I HAD to ask Andrea for a pad or a tampon cause she was the only girl I knew. Unfortunately, she didn't have one so we had to go to the office to get one....We've been friends ever since(:

So uhm I got my period in jujitsu and that was probably the worst/most embarrassing thing ever. I'm not exactly sure how many people knew. The only thing I was thinking was "I am in a room full of people who have absolutely NO understanding of what I'm going through." and my mom wouldn't pick me up 'cause this was "Just too funny."

And for what just happened that you'll never fucking believe.
In the morning, I was getting kind of a stomach ache so I decided to lay down and try to take a short nap. When I woke up the pain was horrible! I thought maybe I had to go to the bathroom. I went to the bathroom and urinating didn't solve my abdominal pain so I went and laid down. Finally, two hours later, I was paralyzed from the waist down. I couldn't walk and I was in a great deal of pain. I called my mom and she took me to the emergency room. The doctors gave me pain killers and took tests.
Now if you have ever been in the ER, you know that if you're not dying, it takes FOREVER to get test results back. So I'm sitting here crying my eyes out because nausea, loss of appetite, bloating, abdominal pain usually point to STOMACH CANCER. I'm very young to have stomach cancer, but nothing's impossible. So we've been in the emergency room for six hours waiting for these stupid fucking test results when I feel that familiar feeling and I couldn't do anything but LAUGH.  My mother asked "What's so funny???"
Me: "I'm like 99% sure I don't have stomach cancer, 'cause I just got my period."
 So yeah. It turns out I don't have stomach cancer!!!!
YAY!