I don't wanna fall asleep 'cause I'd miss you babe...just kidding.

I don't want to fall asleep because I'm having nightmares that scare the shit out of me. I got absolutely no sleep last night. I came home today and passed out around 5:30. I got a text from Andrea at 5:56.
"I'm not going to the concert, my sister got grounded can you guys still sleep over?"
I wake up at 6:14 "Yupp(:"
I pass out again.
"My mom called Hawt cute..." 6:36 pm I'm still passed out asleep.
6:50 "We clapped when they called you're name. You got a metal."
8:02 I finally wake up and work on my geography homework.
11:53 I check the time on my phone and realize I have two new texts. And I realize it is too late to reply DAMMIT! I hate when this happens to me. I'll pass out, and It'll take me forever and 314 seconds to reply.
I spend so much time staring at the ceiling while laying in bed, I've considered putting butterflies on the ceiling.

I am considering going for a singing walk but I am officially afraid to go out at night thanks to the sexy cop who so kindly informed us that there is a curfew. I guess I could walk through the neighborhood. More police are out at night durning the summer because kids are more likely to break curfew in the summer. However cops normally stay out of neighborhoods. So I guess it'd be okay if I went for a singing walk.

"I do it for the drugs I do it just to feel alive I do it for the love that I get from the bottom of a bottle"

I cant stand being afraid to sleep. I hate this. Cant wait for summer.

Question: Do you take naps? I sure as fuck do(:

It's your fucking nightmare

I'm glad this blog is anonymous. Because if it weren't, I wouldn't have said half the shit I said and sure as fuck wouldn't be telling you what I'm about to tell you.

I've been having nightmares. It's strange because I don't normally have nightmares in the spring. For some reason my nightmares are seasonal. They usually start in the fall. In October, I'll start having one nightmare about 8 times a month, they'll stop in November (I'll continue to get this nightmare through out the year but it's rare) Then about half way through November, I'll start having another nightmare. This one happens about 9 or 10 times a month and usually I get this nightmare from November to February. November through February I sometimes have to put towels under my bed because I get so terrified, that I piss the bed(I am asleep when this happens of course.) However, in the first or second week of March, the nightmares stop. I mean, I still have them, but it's much more rare and they're not as vivid. Also, I never get so scared I piss my pants in the spring.

I've always been terrified to fall asleep but I didn't start having nightmares until I was 12. I absolutely hate sharing a bed but now I would give anything for someone to fall asleep with because I have been having a new nightmare. I refuse to talk about the nightmares I've been having for the past few years, because they're a bit too personal. I had a nightmare while sleeping over at a friend's house on Friday. It wasn't very personal and I didn't piss my pants in fear.

To fully understand this dream, you must understand three things about me:

1. Mosaic is a guy that I had/have feelings for
2. I am ichthyophobic. A phobia is a fear that controls your life and can many times be debilitating, not only do I not like fish, but I am legitimately terrified of fish. Some people who don't like small spaces may claim to be claustrophobic, when in reality, they aren't claustrophobic, they just don't like small spaces. A true claustrophobic would have an anxiety attack when in a small space,when some one who doesn't like small spaces would just be in a hurry to get out of the small space. I am a true ichthyophobic.
3. I despise all fish however, none of them terrify me as much as angler fish.

Mosaic and I are standing on a dock. The wind is blowing and the sky is grey.
"It's beautiful." I say looking down at the lake.
Mosaic is behind me and I turn around, our lips are inches from eachother when I say "What would you do if I told you I liked you?"
"I'd push you in."
I turn my head and look at the lake. All of the sudden, there are angler fish jumping out everywhere (If you know anything about angler fish, you know that this is impossible. Angler fish would die from pressure change because they live miles under the ocean.) "Oh." I say.
 He pulls me in even closer. "You like me, don't you?"
I smile........ and he pushes me in.


I only had that dream once. I've been having the same dream two days in a row now. I haven't decided weather I want to share it or not.


Tell me, what's your nightmare? You've already read about mine.

quelqu'un m'a dit. que tu m'aimais encore...

So I've been sick today...blahhhh.
Now that you have an update on how I've been, I'll  tell you what's going on inside my brain.

I quit. I can't chase this guy around anymore. Letter to Mosaic (A letter he will never see.)
                                                                                            



Mosaic, if you're reading this, I sincerely detest chasing you around. I absolutely hate being "just a friend". With that being said, I think you are astonishingly shortsighted in chasing around a girl who has enumerated to a multitudinous number of people that she has no romantic feelings for you, whatsoever. I have recognized that I could never be with someone so cretinous and asinine, given that you chase her around in confusing polygons, and apollonian circles, and she doesn't so much as give you a second thought. I desist to watch you get on your knees and abjure her for a date when I would have said yes in a heart beat. Now I must say, I believe you should do whatever makes you halcyon, and if (excuse my language here) being a total fucking moron and chasing a girl around who makes you look like a forlorn cretin, makes you happy, then that's what you should do. I know I may sound a little angry and here's why, because I really and truly liked you and I would have given everything to be your anything, and you stopped liking me to continue chasing around a girl who takes you for granted and has made it clear that she has no intention of dating you and that shit stings...like salt in a wound. As if I haven't said this as enough, I'll say it again, I HATE BEING "JUST A FRIEND". It sucks on every level. I hate when you call me Dude, Bro, Man, or any other name that implies that I am male. I hate knowing every word to all of your favorite songs, and I despise the fact that they're all my favorite songs as well. I don't mind giving dating advice to my guy friends, giving you advice is different because I actually like you. Oh and hearing you talk about her makes me want to stab myself in the ears. I have decided that I cannot date someone whom is still caught up over a girl who stopped caring a long time ago. I've never been one to give up but I just cant do it anymore.
                                   Sincerely,
                                                 Delilah.


Now you all know what's going on with that issue, I cant sleep so I'm going out for a singing walk(Where I wonder through the streets at night and sing because I cant sleep).

"So cold, so cold, baby, youre so cold, so cold
Take it easy baby we can make it right
Babe, you know my love is always on your side
Rest your eyes tonight
You know that my love
You know that my love is on your side"


Now I wanna know: What's the most time you've wasted on someone? I wasted three months on some jackass who didn't even know I existed. 

My heart's beating fast and I have piss in my pants

I have decided there is nothing scarier than a run in with the cops(except for angler fish).
   B had to be home by 12:00 am and we were a little slow and ended up walking her home at 12. Every thing was normal until a car drove up behind us. We were a little freaked out 'cause it just stopped and parked there, we kept walking until we heard the driver speak.
     "Hey girls can I talk to you?"
     We turned around and walk towards him. It was a cop.
     He shined the light in my face. "How old are you girls?"
     "Fifteen." I said.
    "Did you know there's a curfew? You're supposed to be home by twelve."
     "Fuck. I shoulda known. It's almost summer, cops are cruising the streets looking for kids who are out past curfew." I thought
     "There's a curfew?" Anna said.
     "Yep. So what are you doing out this late?"
     "Walking our friend home. She didn't have a ride and we didn't want her to have to walk home alone at night." I said as he shined the flash light in my face.
     "Do you live around here?"
     "Yeah. She lives right up the street and we live close too."
     "Okay." he said. "Get home soon." or some thing like that.
     I have to admit, I've never been more scared in my life. I mean, my friends and I are good kids. We don't smoke, drink, or do any type of drugs and we're all 4.0 students. We don't have much experience with cops. This one didn't take our names, which was lucky. He completely let us off the hook which was very lucky. Had he taken us in, we would be charged with a CLASS B MISDEMEANOR. I would have been charged with TWO class B misdemeanors because, in addition to being out after curfew, I was carrying a switchblade (For self defense of course) and switchblades are illegal. I could have gone to jail for FIVE YEARS. I imagine the judge would have been lenient given that we are good kids and just didn't know. However, I would have been waste deep in shit if I had been caught with that knife. We had a good defense though I mean, we're not going to let B walk home by herself in the dark, that's dangerous. Okay. Time to stop thinking about this. It's freaking me out.


Answer this! Have you ever been in trouble with the cops? What happened?

I suck at life, but this was really funny.

My mom was sitting on the couch eating and watching tv.

"When this show is over, will you take me to the grocery store?"

"Yeah."

So the show is finally over and Im like "Mom will you take me now?"

"Yeah...uh let me take a shower."

"Okay"

She just sat there

"Mom?"

No response

"Hey Mom?"

No response

"Mom????"

Still no response.

"Hey mom are you gonna take a shower?" Now let me pause here. It's important for you to know that I wasn't yelling when I said this. My voice wasn't even raised. I just wanted to know if she was gonna take her damn shower or not. I probably shouldn't have done this and what happened after this, well...I had it coming. But she was just sitting there and I didn't know if she was gonna take a shower or not. I mean she said that she'd take me when the show is over and now she wanted to take a shower (understandable) but she wasn't going to take a shower so I was starting to wonder if she was gonna take me at all. She finally responded to "Hey mom are you gonna take a shower?" And this is what she said

She got  up and yelled "YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU DELILAH, YOU SUCK! FUCK YOU!"

 I backed away 'cause I thought she was gonna slap the shit outta me. When I saw that she wasn't I couldn't help but laugh even though she was totally serious. I responded with this "Um...okay?"

"YOU ARE NEVER ALOUD TO USE MY BATHROOM AGIAN! PICK UP THIS FUCKING MESS!"

"What mess?"

She pointed at the bathtub, I had left the shampoo out and I left the towel on the floor (I do feel bad about that). I picked up my mess and she said

"YOU STAY OUT OF MY ROOM AND MY BATHROOM!"

Now this, I shouldn't have done, like I REALLY shouldn't have said this. I mean I'm surprised I'm still alive.

"I'm going to take a bath in your bathroom when you're not home, just because I can."

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM! YOU CAN WALK TO THE GROCERY STORE!"

"Okay."

The funniest thing about this story, was that she flipped out and I didn't yell once. I mean I REALLY shouldn't have said half the things I said and I'm a crappy person for thinking this is absolutely fucking hilarious. Normally, when my mother is mad, it's no laughing matter but she just flipped over nothing and out of nowhere and excuse me for being a shitty person but I laughed so hard I cried.
   Just so you know, when my mom gets mad, I'm normally not laughing, but this was temper tantrum, like the ones five year olds have in the toy store. I feel bad about leaving a mess in her bathroom and I take full responsibility for starting the fight. I deserved what happened.

Quesssytion! Do you fight with your parents? I do!

Things you don't know

Things you know


I've been playing bass guitar for five years


I'm ambidextrous


I'm a blue belt in jujitsu


Slayer is one of my favorite bands


I love old music


I'm pagan


I sleep with the window 'cause I like looking out at the stars


I love Clint Eastwood movies


Horror films are my favorite


I carry a switchblade wherever I go


I use the word cock way too much


Fuck is another one of my favorite words


My favorite color is purple


I draw on the walls in my closet all my secrets are written in there


I hate when you talk about her


I like painting


I draw all my paintings before I paint them


I freak out if I get a B+


I want to be a doctor


Things you don't know

THIS IS MY FAVORITE FONT


I favor my left hand even though I am ambidextrous


I like playing "Gone Forever" on my bass 


Three days Grace's bass lines make me feel like a total bad ass when I play


Sometimes I play "You Belong With Me" even though I know you don't


I sleep with the window open so I can look out at the stars and the stars remind me that there's something more out there


My favorite part of Gran Torino  is when Clint Eastwood says "Get off my lawn, you goddamn dick smoking (Expletive )..."


I wish I were pretty. I mean I know I'm not ugly but I wish I were pretty enough for you to notice me.


I know you used to like me (Thanks B!)


I wish I had curly hair. I mean I do have curly hair but I mean like really curly like two inch curls


I wish I were good with make up


I have Asperger's Syndrome and I wish I didn't


When I become a doctor, I want to find a cure for autism


I obsess over my grades because I worry if my grades are bad, my father will stop calling me


I wish you could see me in a huge poofy prom dress


I draw and paint my emotions, you inspired a lot of my paintings


I like seeing you happy and I can accept the fact that I'm not what makes you happy. And that's okay. I think you should do what makes you happy and if being with me doesn't make you happy then I don't think you should be with me. If chasing her around in apeirogons makes you happy then that's what you should do. 


I know I'm not exactly one of the girls, but I really want to be one.


I feel like if I wore my hair differently, if I were skinnier, if I didn't have braces, if I didn't have AS, if I acted more like a girl, if I dressed more like a girl, and if hell froze over then you might like me...well maybe


"I'll be there if you need someone, even if she isn't me." Love that quote




Now I've gotta Question: What's something someone doesn't know about you that you'd like them to know? And who is that someone? My someone is someone I've loved all my life...well most of it and if I had any balls, I'd tell him "I love you, and I don't think I'll ever stop."

But Time Square can't shine as bright as me!

Did he mention the texts? Does he flirt with you more? Did he ask you out? Did you ask him out? I'm sure after sunday's post you're full of questions. Maybe you are. I like to think someone somewhere is reading this shit. NO. NO. NO. HELL FUCKING NO. I didn't mention anything either. It was an interesting day. Some dick smoker stole my pencil in fifth and I was just too excited to see Mosaic that I didn't even realize someone took it. Have I really stooped so low to the level that I'm actually excited/anxious to see him? What has become of my already shitty life? It's like I actually care about him. Fuck I make myself sick.
  I'll leave you with quotes from today and yesterday.
"I straightened my hair once 'cause Jacquelyn told me to."
"I just rolled my eyes...incase you missed it."

"Isn't there a page in there (My sketchbook) that I'm not allowed to see?"
"Maybe I wrote something about you..."

"Do you still have that picture Delilah drew you for Valentine's Day?"
"Yeah it's on my dresser"

"I was thinking about 'Anywhere but Here' or 'You Belong With Me'"
"Anywhere but Here"
Oh my god! You have no clue what the fuck the last one's talking about! Henna tattoos! Ima get one on my collar bone(: I want lyrics to a song. What do you bitches think?

"Been here all along"
"Please take me anywhere but here"
"Burn like an animal "
"I'll be there if you need someone, even if she isn't me"
"Trouble in a tank top"
"Don't bother me with all of your reality "
"Die die die my darling "
"Deeper I'm falling"
"Rip out the wings of a butterfly"
"For one more night somewhere somehow"
"Lips like morphine"
"He who tries, will be wasted"
"Some showed their faith and some showed none"
"I swear I wont forget you"


Wanna hear an incredibly awkward way to ask someone out?
My friend (B) and I came up with it...here it is


"If been having these feelings, I mean I've been having these emotions, like in my mind, and heart. Well not my real heart, my metaphorical heart, and these feelings and emotions are telling me that I like someone. Like a guy who has your hair...well not your hair but hair like yours. Actually it is your hair 'cause it is you...AWKWARD"


Update. Here is the actual quote. I was close though.


"Hey, so, lately I've been getting these new feelings, No not like that! I mean, like, in the head and you know like the heart! No, not like, the physical heart, the metaphorical one! Like, emotions! For this guy, i mean, with this hair, like yours, no, not like yours, its is yours, i mean, like, the guys you, you are the guy, and..."


So tell me what's the most creepy/awkward thing you've done to a crush or boyfriend(or girlfriend)? Well...once upon a time I had a crush and my friends thought it'd be funny to scream his name down the street at 9:02 pm. Correction, they didn't scream it, they moaned it. Yeah. Fuck my life.